Rubber Gloves

When I was in 6th grade, we had to dissect various formerly living creatures for a science class.  This is not what most 6th grade girls consider fun.  The teacher said if we were squeamish about touching the dead things, we could wear surgical-type latex gloves, but we had to bring them ourselves.  OK, trip to the drug store, then.

I didn't know where they kept the gloves, so instead of wandering the store all night, I had to go ask an employee.  I have never been a particularly outgoing person - the running theme of this blog is that I'm super awkward at all times, and it was much worse in the glaring spotlight of prepubescence.

The employee I found was an older lady, probably about my grandparents' age.  She seemed benign.  I approached cautiously.

Me:  Excuse me, where are the rubber gloves?
Her *staring*:  You're not going to use them on yourself, are you?
Me *mystified*: ....
Her:  *intense stare*
Me *terrified*:  ...we're dissecting a worm in class tomorrow and I don't want to touch it...
Her *with obvious relief*:  Oh, all right, they're over here.

To this day I have no idea what she thought I was going to do, and honestly, I would rather not know.  This is one of those things where I'd rather remain puzzled than know what she actually thought of me.

Bad Hostess

Friend (looking at phone):  Huh.  My roommate wants to know if I'll be home for dinner.
My Brain:  OFFER FOOD!  OFFER FOOD!
Me (slightly panicked):  Are you hungry?  I can...(abrupt stop at the realization I have run out of truthful words)
My Brain: THERE IS NO FOOD, YOU FOOL!  ABORT!  ABORT!
Friend:  No thanks, I'm good.
Me (relieved):  OK
My Brain:  SCRAMBLED EGGS!  MAKE SCRAMBLED...what?  Oh thank God!

Fruit: The Adversary

I tend to buy produce based on shelf life instead of how much I actually like it, which leads to situations where I end up resenting the fruit I'm eating.  I will be eating an apple and start thinking, "Darn you, apple!  Why aren't you strawberries?"

(pears are kind of gross, too)

Halloween Costume, part 2

Riding in friend's car

Me (looking at random item):  Is that a cardboard oven?
Friend:  Yeah, it's from my Halloween costume, for a contest.  I went as Sylvia Plath.
Me:  ...holy shit!
Friend:  I won.

Insert Portal Reference Here

Never announce to a room full of nerds that there is cake.  It will be declared a lie.  Every. Single. Time.

Aquarium

It was my brother’s fault.  It was his bat.

What happened was, we were watching He-Man, and I had his baseball bat.  The bat was, of course, a sword.  Of course.  For no reason whatsoever I put the thing under my arm and walked backwards with it.  There was a very final-sounding crunch.  We both froze.  I believe he could see what had happened before I worked up the nerve to turn around.

There was a perfectly round hole right at the gravel line of our 30 gallon aquarium.  Water, gravel, plastic plants, and very surprised swordtails were pouring out onto the carpet.  Using kid logic, we both ran over and put our hands over the hole to stop the water.  Our plan did not go any farther than this.

My dad swears he came home while we were doing this.  I don’t remember, but he says he opened the door, saw us with our hands on the tank, looking up at him like deer in the headlights, and he just closed the door and went back outside to laugh for a while.

My brother recognized that we needed to at least try to save the fish, so he ran to the kitchen, filled the sink, and grabbed Dad’s big iced tea glass.  We began scooping the increasingly desperate fish into it and dumping them into the sink.  There was nothing we could do about the water, so we focused on the fish.  Save the fish!

At this point my mom came home.  My brother met her at the kitchen door and said, “Mom, don’t worry, we managed to save most of the fish,” as the unfortunate swordtails went belly up one by one in the stainless steel sink filled with cold tap water.

To this day there is a large, dark stain on the hardwood floor in front of where the aquarium used to be.  The old carpet and pad had held the water long enough to damage the wood.  Sure, there’s newer carpet over it now, but we know it’s there, lurking, waiting for someone to ask about it.  And then my dad will tell the story, and we’ll facepalm in embarrassment over childhood misadventures.

I maintain it is my brother’s fault.  It was his bat.

I'm bad at giving notes

*looking over my director notes*

Me:  Yeah, this one just says "good awkward."  I don't remember what I meant by that.  So whoever did that, good job, keep doing whatever that was.

Cast:  *nods understandingly*

Haunt

The local amusement park has a Halloween event every October called Haunt.  They set up various Halloween decorations and several haunted houses/spooky walk through areas and hire high school kids to dress up as evil clowns, undead cowboys, etc. to jump out at you.  My favorite this year was the Unsettling Cymbal Monkey, a full-grown adult human in a monkey costume who would sneak up behind unsuspecting people and crash his cymbals in an unsettling manner.

Things that happened at Haunt this weekend:

1. Jump scares aplenty.  Going through one haunted house, we had to exit the building and re-enter, but we didn’t know there was a second part.  So, passing through the exterior part, Friend 1 wondered aloud “Is this it?”  To which a jump scare vampire sprang forth and said “It is for you!”  Friend 1 screamed and we laughed at him, because laughing at your friend’s discomfort is awesome.
2. More (ineffective)  jump scares:  going through a London-themed spooky walk through area, the jump scare Londoners (because what’s scarier than a British person, I guess) kept focusing on me.  I don’t know why.  The problem was that my reaction 9 times out of 10 to the jump scares is “Okay.”  The tenth time it’s “Yeah.”  It’s not that I’m super cool and not afraid of things, it’s that I know these are actors and they’re not allowed to touch me, so it doesn’t make me jump because I expect to be startled.  Yes, Werewolves of London, I know you’re there.  Okay.  Yeah.  Okay.
3. Friend 2 was singing a song from Sweeney Todd as we started the above area.  One of the Londoners asked why he was singing, so we asked why she didn’t want him to.  She said his singing was terrible (it wasn’t), but we refrained from telling her it was way better than her accent (it was).
4. After riding the train, Friend 1 asked Friend 2 to take his picture in the fog from a nearby smoke machine.  An undead cowboy sidled up to attempt a jump scare or possible photobomb.  We all noticed him but didn’t say anything.  Friend 1 then looked at the picture and said  “I just look like a guy who’s barbecueing.”  Undead cowboy laughed and walked off.  Thinking that was it for jump scares in that area, we turned to leave, and a completely different undead cowboy jumped in my face and made a noise like “Whaa!”  I laughed and said “Yeah.”  Another failed jump scare.
5. I screamed like a small child on the super tall coaster, but somehow in the picture at the end I was smiling...that was not the expression I thought I had when we went past the camera.  I didn’t scream on the super fast wooden roller coaster, because I was too busy being mystified.  “Why are we going this way?  What the hell?  Now we’re going this other way.  What?!?”  That is a thing that happened because I roller coaster wrong.
6. Friend 2 managed to lean forward and pretend to strangle Friend 1 as they passed the camera on the super tall coaster, to the general amusement of the people looking for their own pictures after the ride.  He did this without losing his hat.  Impressive.
7. There was literally a garbage can full of powdered sugar at the funnel cake booth.  I couldn’t get a picture but I swear, it was a garbage can, and it was full of powdered sugar.
8. Crab fries.  It sounds like it might be awesome until you find out it’s just regular fries covered in Old Bay seasoning.  Then it just becomes sad.
9. On the way there I had to stop and buy gloves (it was cold) and discovered that Juicy Fruit is now available in bubble gum form.  This made me inordinately happy.
10. Finally, this video happened:

And then we went to IHOP, because 1am is waffle time.

I’m just going to get these out of my system

These probably wouldn’t make good signs:

Hunter Pence believes tofurkey is the other white meat.

Hunter Pence is moved to tears by the Purple People Eater song.

Hunter Pence ruins knock knock jokes (“Knock knock.”  “Come in!”  “Dammit, Hunter!”)

Hunter Pence gives spoilers on purpose.

Hunter Pence prefers Ghostbusters 2.

Hunter Pence loves traffic circles but can never quite get the hang of them,

Hunter Pence is very earnest in his belief that raisins are nature’s candy.

Hunter Pence will tell you exactly why you drive on a parkway and park in a driveway, even though you didn’t ask.

Hunter Pence always makes sure his knee socks are pulled tightly to his knees, no matter what.

Hunter Pence is jealous of Hosmer’s eyebrows.

Hunter Pence slowly slices his corn off the cob while staring at you.

Hunter Pence insists on using the English pronunciation of “aluminum.”

Hunter Pence isn’t secretly disappointed when the chocolate chips in his cookies turn out to be raisins.

Hunter Pence prefers his corn flakes dry.

Hunter Pence has a favorite Monkee, and it’s Peter Tork.

Hunter Pence still makes Chuck Norris jokes.

Hunter Pence will start making Hunter Pence jokes in November.

Neighbor Dog

Hey, Neighbor Dog.  Glad you could join us.

Halloween Costume

Small kid:  What are you going to be for Halloween?

Me:  I wasn’t planning on dressing up.

Small kid:  No.  You should dress up.  What do you want to be?
Me:  Yeah, OK.  Either Death of the Endless or a gender-swapped Tony Stark.

*long pause*

Small kid (giving me a Look): ...ok, be a gender-swapped Tony Stark.

Stupid Candy

If you are not familiar with Cherry Mash, it's this thing here:

It is roughly the size of a baby's fist, made entirely of sugar, and if you didn't grow up with it you'll probably hate it.  You might hate it even if you did grow up with it, but a lot of people don't (high praise there - try Cherry Mash, a lot of people don't hate it!)

It also never occurred to me that you can't find it outside of a certain area - it became my favorite candy when I lived in Florida because you couldn't buy it there, so I'd have to bring it back with me after visiting.  It was a little reminder of home, like Stephenson's apple butter (which you really can't get anymore) and truly epic local barbecue sauce.  

And it doesn't look like something you'd buy in a real store - it looks like something you'd find at your grandma's house.  Seriously, that's a weird wrapper.

Cherry Mash > anything pumpkin spice flavored.  Sorry, pumpkin spice.  You had your day.

Although I am hoping that caramel apple doesn't become the next big overdone fall flavor, because caramel apples are delicious and do not deserve to be ruined by overexposure.

Unexpected Taxidermy

*open door to unused office*

*blink*

...

*close door, walk away*

The answer is never "Rainbows and Kittens"

Some questions are better left unasked.

Me (noticing massive scrape on friend’s knee):  Hey, what happened to your knee?

Friend:  *Epic tale of hitting a rock with his mountain bike in the desert and flying through the air.  Rattlesnakes and pirate ninjas may or may not have been involved.*

Me (in my mind):  What the no no NO NO NO NO OUCH OH GOD WHY ARE YOU SAYING THESE TERRIBLE THINGS?!?

Friend:  …but I managed to save the bike!

Me (out loud while cringing behind script):  Dude!  Forget the bike; don’t die!