Comedic Timing

That Boyfriend, B, and his best friend T were having a production meeting at B's house and decided to pull a prank.  Before everyone arrived B told T to hide in the closet and just stand there so that when people opened it to put away their coats, there he'd be, staring back at them.  T agreed this would be amusing and stepped into the closet.

B got distracted and when people started to arrive and asked where to put their coats, he said "Oh, just throw them on my bed."

45 minutes later someone said "Isn't that T's car outside?  Where is he?"

And then T, deadpan as always, stepped out of the closet, said "Here," and sat down.

There are people who would kill for timing like that.

Pinot Grigio Was Involved

I had the bright idea to see if a show I recommended to my friend J was on Netflix. The problem arose when I turned on Netflix and saw that a show I'd never seen in my life was the most recently watched.

Me: ...

J: Should we be scared?

Me: My door wasn't exactly locked when I came home from work yesterday...

J: Let's go outside.

Once outside I texted my dad, who lives less than a mile away.  

We waited.

And then J asked if my boyfriend, who had been watching my dogs for me all weekend, had possibly watched Netflix.

*facepalm*

I texted B.  "Did you watch Netflix at my house?"

"Yeah."

"...did you watch Homefront?"

"Yeah."

*even bigger facepalm*

I tried to text my dad not to bother but he pulled up just as the text left my phone.  He dutifully checked my house, refrained from calling me an idiot, and went home.

Lesson:  ask your boyfriend before assuming murderers are in your house watching your Netflix.

Humor fail

At the office coffee pot:

CEO (noticing my cup): That's what I need, a cup.

Me (holding out cupped hand):  You could try just holding it in your hand...

My brain: What are you doing?

Me:...but that wouldn't...

My brain:  Seriously, wtf?  This isn't funny!  Abort!  Abort!

Me:...be...

My brain:  STOP TALKING!!

Me:...a good idea...

CEO:  *smiles politely and leaves*

My brain:  *facepalm*

Me:  *implodes with shame*

Sausomecon

At Sausomecon this weekend, promoting Captives:

B and T approach an elevator.  It immediately opens.

T: Looks like someone summoned an elevator.

Passing wizard (not breaking stride):  You're welcome.

Later:

Same wizard starts placing bananas on the table where we'd just finished our panel.

Me:  Are those for the Librarian.

Wizard: *sigh* No.  But I appreciate the reference!

I wish I had pictures but later that same night I was physically tossed through the air by two of our actors.  As in, they used me to play catch.  I am not a dainty little flower.  These guys are strong!

B's response:  "That's my girlfriend, not a volleyball."

Spoiler? Maybe.

So last Sunday's episode of Game of Thrones, entitled "Hardhome," showed me exactly how I'd die during a zombie apocalypse:  eaten by zombie children because I couldn't bring myself to fight them.

White Walker children.

Mind = blown.

Epically Bad With Faces

Sitting backstage with my daughter at the production of Seussical:  The Musical she's in at the moment, talking to a friend.  A strange man approaches. My first thought is, who is this vaguely familiar-looking person and why is he giving my child a sandwich?

It was my ex-husband.

For the record, he's lost more than 100lbs since this time last year (for which I applaud him), and for the role his hair has been dyed black and he's shaved his facial hair.  Still, I can't imagine a more disconcerting feeling than not recognizing the person you were married to for more than 14 years.

He disappeared quickly.  I had to leave and the small kid was getting bored.  The chaos in the green room (this is a cast of 50+ people and a dog) got to be too much and I literally ran from the room shaking to try to find him and get the kid's bag of entertainment.  When I couldn't find him I went back and called my kid over.  She said her Pop was there.  I asked where, and she gestured to the vaguely familiar-looking person standing next to me.

I went home.  It was the only option.

Moving

Driving with B:

Him (pointing):  ...is that happening?

Me:  What?

Him (pointing more obviously): That.

I follow his finger to see two women in a sedan with a couch across the roof, being held in place by wishes and dreams (aka one hand per woman out the window just sort of steadying it so it doesn't slide around too much).

Me: ...appears to be, yes.