I’m just going to get these out of my system

These probably wouldn’t make good signs:

Hunter Pence believes tofurkey is the other white meat.

Hunter Pence is moved to tears by the Purple People Eater song.

Hunter Pence ruins knock knock jokes (“Knock knock.”  “Come in!”  “Dammit, Hunter!”)

Hunter Pence gives spoilers on purpose.

Hunter Pence prefers Ghostbusters 2.

Hunter Pence loves traffic circles but can never quite get the hang of them,

Hunter Pence is very earnest in his belief that raisins are nature’s candy.

Hunter Pence will tell you exactly why you drive on a parkway and park in a driveway, even though you didn’t ask.

Hunter Pence always makes sure his knee socks are pulled tightly to his knees, no matter what.

Hunter Pence is jealous of Hosmer’s eyebrows.

Hunter Pence slowly slices his corn off the cob while staring at you.

Hunter Pence insists on using the English pronunciation of “aluminum.”

Hunter Pence isn’t secretly disappointed when the chocolate chips in his cookies turn out to be raisins.

Hunter Pence prefers his corn flakes dry.

Hunter Pence has a favorite Monkee, and it’s Peter Tork.

Hunter Pence still makes Chuck Norris jokes.

Hunter Pence will start making Hunter Pence jokes in November.

Neighbor Dog

Hey, Neighbor Dog.  Glad you could join us.

Halloween Costume

Small kid:  What are you going to be for Halloween?

Me:  I wasn’t planning on dressing up.

Small kid:  No.  You should dress up.  What do you want to be?
Me:  Yeah, OK.  Either Death of the Endless or a gender-swapped Tony Stark.

*long pause*

Small kid (giving me a Look): ...ok, be a gender-swapped Tony Stark.

Stupid Candy

If you are not familiar with Cherry Mash, it's this thing here:

It is roughly the size of a baby's fist, made entirely of sugar, and if you didn't grow up with it you'll probably hate it.  You might hate it even if you did grow up with it, but a lot of people don't (high praise there - try Cherry Mash, a lot of people don't hate it!)

It also never occurred to me that you can't find it outside of a certain area - it became my favorite candy when I lived in Florida because you couldn't buy it there, so I'd have to bring it back with me after visiting.  It was a little reminder of home, like Stephenson's apple butter (which you really can't get anymore) and truly epic local barbecue sauce.  

And it doesn't look like something you'd buy in a real store - it looks like something you'd find at your grandma's house.  Seriously, that's a weird wrapper.

Cherry Mash > anything pumpkin spice flavored.  Sorry, pumpkin spice.  You had your day.

Although I am hoping that caramel apple doesn't become the next big overdone fall flavor, because caramel apples are delicious and do not deserve to be ruined by overexposure.

Unexpected Taxidermy

*open door to unused office*

*blink*

...

*close door, walk away*

The answer is never "Rainbows and Kittens"

Some questions are better left unasked.

Me (noticing massive scrape on friend’s knee):  Hey, what happened to your knee?

Friend:  *Epic tale of hitting a rock with his mountain bike in the desert and flying through the air.  Rattlesnakes and pirate ninjas may or may not have been involved.*

Me (in my mind):  What the no no NO NO NO NO OUCH OH GOD WHY ARE YOU SAYING THESE TERRIBLE THINGS?!?

Friend:  …but I managed to save the bike!

Me (out loud while cringing behind script):  Dude!  Forget the bike; don’t die!