Thursday, October 13, 2016
Learning
So Cute Doctor didn't know about Rule 34 or velociraptor porn, but then I once used the wrong emoticon in a text and he told me about pseudobulbar palsy, so I think we're about even.
Tuesday, September 27, 2016
Vodka and Red Bull
The important thing to remember about drinking vodka and Red Bull is: don't.
It came up when someone told me today that he learned over the weekend to never try to drink 4 beers in 10 minutes. That's when I remembered the night in my early 20s when I thought the bar's special cocktail was a good idea. I dint remember everything that happened, but I do remember trying to pick up a guy in a hookah bar. And I don't mean take him home - I was trying to physically lift this large man off the ground because vodka and Red Bull gives you wings and poor judgement.
Later in the night I woke up feeling like my heart might actually explode, but it didn't, so I am here today to say: vodka and Red Bull is a bad choice.
Monday, August 15, 2016
My life to date
Grade school:
Me: I like kittens and rainbows and unicorns...
Other kids: You're fat and ugly and we don't like you!
Me: ...
At home:
Dad: How was your day?
Me: They're mean to me:
Dad: You must have done something to deserve it.
Me: (internally) Maybe I'm fat and ugly...
Next day:
Me: I like kittens and rainbows and unicorns...
Other kids: You're fat and ugly and we don't like you!
Me: I'm awesome and I don't like you either!
Other kids: No, you're fat and ugly and we don't care because it's funny that you're mad!
Me (to teacher): They're picking on me!
Teacher: I didn't see it so it didn't happen.
At home:
Dad: How was your day?
Me: They keep picking on me and the teacher doesn't believe me.
Dad: If the teacher doesn't believe you you must be imagining it.
Me: (internally) There must be something wrong with me.
Junior high:
Me: I like Star Trek. Captain Picard doesn't judge me!
Other kids: You're still fat and ugly and we don't like you. And all us boys got together and decided you're permanently un-dateworthy.
Me: Even though I'm doing the Koosh-ball bangs thing?
Other kids: Even though it's identical to the hair of *popular girl*, you're fat and ugly and mean so it looks stupid on you.
Later:
Dad: How was school?
Me (lying): Fine.
Dad: Ok. Let me tell you at length about generators, and also your mother is a whore.
Me (internally): Women are bad. Don't be feminine. Don't be like Mom.
High school:
Me: I like cynicism and sarcasm and dark comedy...
Other kids: You're still fat and ugly and unfuckable and we hate you.
Me: ALL the middle fingers!
Later:
Dad: How was your day?
Me (lying): Fine
Dad: Here's my day to the minutest detail. Also, women are crazy and your mother's still a whore.
Me (internally): At least I'm not crazy like Mom. Or a whore.
College:
Friend: Want to go out?
Me (not interested but not sure what to do): Um...I don't know...
Friend: We're friends so you have to!
Me (internally): I'm not comfortable with this but it's my only shot. I'm fat and ugly and no one will ever want me.
14 years of marriage later:
Marriage counselor: You were never bullied. You just want to get your way.
Me: ...
...
...
ALL the middle fingers!
Tuesday, June 28, 2016
Sunday, June 26, 2016
Night Shoot Weirdness
The West Bottoms is a weird place to shoot a film.
For people not from Kansas City, the West Bottoms is an industrial part of town by the Missouri River. It isn't the greatest place to be late at night, although it is slowly but surely being taken over by hipsters. My own experience with the West Bottoms is that one time a crazy-eyed man holding a dying pigeon (which he referred to as his familiar) once offered to sell us PCP as we were setting up for a different shoot. This time was a bit different.
The first thing I noticed was Storm posing near the alley. Later we saw Winter Soldier, and then Psylocke. Different photographers each time - three separate cosplayers decided tonight was the night to shoot in the West Bottoms. Never mind that it was 90+ degrees and ungodly humid, they had shoots to do, dammit!
As we were setting up in the alley, the one we use at least once per episode, we noticed what looked like a stage on a bridge just outside the entrance to the alley. "Huh," we thought. "Hope that holds off or isn't too loud."
We set up the first shot, get one take, and then Psylocke wanders into frame. So we hold, get one of the crew to go ask Psylocke to please give us a few minutes, she and the photographer are cool with it and do their shoot down the alley where we can't see them, and we move on.
So we get the first shot just fine, pack up and go around the corner to set up the second shot, get two takes, and are just about to start the third - I mean literally just about to start, I was in mid-slate when it happened - and the opening drumbeat to "Dancing With Myself" blares through the alley. So we cut and try to figure out what we can shoot without audio.
And then extras begin to arrive. I'm not complaining - when we get enough extras we're over the moon because getting people to come out for an unpaid gig in the heat, in the West Bottoms, at 10PM, who volunteers to do that? Awesome people, that's who. But we couldn't shoot anything with audio yet because of the noise.
We start to figure out what we can shoot without the noise being a problem, and for 20 minutes we're waiting for the guitar riff to happen so the song will actually start, but no, it's just 20 straight minutes of the opening drums. We seriously were all going "And...now! No. And...NOW! No? And...NOW!" and the guitar NEVER STARTED.
Our actors arrive. We decide to go ahead with their scene. They're stage actors - they know how to project. The guitar riff actually comes in and we all celebrate because MAYBE this means they'll be done soon. More 80s music follows that song, but it's kind of fun to have music as we set up, and maybe we can sell it as a loud bar nearby.
We get the camera on the dolly and the actors in position, and just before we start the music gets EVEN LOUDER and a live Rod Stewart impersonator starts singing (if you can call it that - I'm not even remotely a Rod Stewart fan). We stop, take a minute to breathe, position the boom just as close to the actors as humanly possibly, and try again.
Success! We get the shot! Now we're done with audio. We position the extras and set up the next shot. The Rod Stewart impersonator finishes his set and we get...speeches?
It's a wedding reception.
It's a wedding reception in 90+ heat, on a bridge, in the West Bottoms.
Fuck it. Sure. Do your thing, weird Rod Stewart-loving kids.
The night progresses. The speeches turn back into loud 80s music. We finish up with the extras, get our actor in special makeup in place, do his shots (no audio still), and on the last take of the last shot, we hear "Thank you! Good night!" and silence. Because timing.
We pack up and go home. It was a long night. But we got the scenes! Episodes 4 and 5 are officially in production!
BTW you should check us out on Facebook!
For people not from Kansas City, the West Bottoms is an industrial part of town by the Missouri River. It isn't the greatest place to be late at night, although it is slowly but surely being taken over by hipsters. My own experience with the West Bottoms is that one time a crazy-eyed man holding a dying pigeon (which he referred to as his familiar) once offered to sell us PCP as we were setting up for a different shoot. This time was a bit different.
The first thing I noticed was Storm posing near the alley. Later we saw Winter Soldier, and then Psylocke. Different photographers each time - three separate cosplayers decided tonight was the night to shoot in the West Bottoms. Never mind that it was 90+ degrees and ungodly humid, they had shoots to do, dammit!
As we were setting up in the alley, the one we use at least once per episode, we noticed what looked like a stage on a bridge just outside the entrance to the alley. "Huh," we thought. "Hope that holds off or isn't too loud."
We set up the first shot, get one take, and then Psylocke wanders into frame. So we hold, get one of the crew to go ask Psylocke to please give us a few minutes, she and the photographer are cool with it and do their shoot down the alley where we can't see them, and we move on.
So we get the first shot just fine, pack up and go around the corner to set up the second shot, get two takes, and are just about to start the third - I mean literally just about to start, I was in mid-slate when it happened - and the opening drumbeat to "Dancing With Myself" blares through the alley. So we cut and try to figure out what we can shoot without audio.
And then extras begin to arrive. I'm not complaining - when we get enough extras we're over the moon because getting people to come out for an unpaid gig in the heat, in the West Bottoms, at 10PM, who volunteers to do that? Awesome people, that's who. But we couldn't shoot anything with audio yet because of the noise.
We start to figure out what we can shoot without the noise being a problem, and for 20 minutes we're waiting for the guitar riff to happen so the song will actually start, but no, it's just 20 straight minutes of the opening drums. We seriously were all going "And...now! No. And...NOW! No? And...NOW!" and the guitar NEVER STARTED.
Our actors arrive. We decide to go ahead with their scene. They're stage actors - they know how to project. The guitar riff actually comes in and we all celebrate because MAYBE this means they'll be done soon. More 80s music follows that song, but it's kind of fun to have music as we set up, and maybe we can sell it as a loud bar nearby.
We get the camera on the dolly and the actors in position, and just before we start the music gets EVEN LOUDER and a live Rod Stewart impersonator starts singing (if you can call it that - I'm not even remotely a Rod Stewart fan). We stop, take a minute to breathe, position the boom just as close to the actors as humanly possibly, and try again.
Success! We get the shot! Now we're done with audio. We position the extras and set up the next shot. The Rod Stewart impersonator finishes his set and we get...speeches?
It's a wedding reception.
It's a wedding reception in 90+ heat, on a bridge, in the West Bottoms.
Fuck it. Sure. Do your thing, weird Rod Stewart-loving kids.
The night progresses. The speeches turn back into loud 80s music. We finish up with the extras, get our actor in special makeup in place, do his shots (no audio still), and on the last take of the last shot, we hear "Thank you! Good night!" and silence. Because timing.
We pack up and go home. It was a long night. But we got the scenes! Episodes 4 and 5 are officially in production!
BTW you should check us out on Facebook!
Wednesday, January 13, 2016
Mr. M was not joking
When B was in high school, his algebra teacher, Mr. M, was quite serious about bringing your book to class.
"You may think it's ok to leave your book at home. It is not ok. The only time you have permission not to bring your book to class is if you hear a knock at your door at 7am, and you open the door, and I'm standing there in a pinstripe suit and hat and carrying a cane, and I say to you, 'Student, leave your book at home.' And then I'll get in my car, and tip my hat, and drive away."
When B laughed at this, Mr. M looked at him and said, "You think I'm joking?"
Three months later, at 7am, B heard a knock at the door. He opened it and there was Mr. M, wearing a pinstripe suit and hat, and carrying a cane, and he said "B...I will." And then he got in his car, tipped his hat, and drove away.
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